A lot of broken glass, some very stupid decisions and a very wet ending!
(Ed) Not much has changed over the years then? (Ed)
I've read hundreds of autobiographies throughout my life and they always include an early chapter or two on the early stages of life and almost always include some incredible memory or accomplishment from such a young age.
Well I didn't achieve anything of significance in the early stages of my life and to be perfectly honest I try not to remember the vast majority of my past anyway.
So with that amazing introduction here are the few mostly underwhelming and largely historically insignificant early memories from the first 4 years of my life.
My very earliest memory is from the back garden of my very first home (I actually don't remember anything at all of the house but the back garden with a tiny small fence separating it from next doors garden.
I kicked or threw a little orange ball over the fence and I was too afraid to go over the fence and get it.
I'm sure somebody did but all I remember is staring at that orange ball and wanting it back.
As totally pointless and uninteresting as such a memory is that is the earliest thing I can ever remember and is the reason for it's inclusion.
(Ed) Thrilling stuff perhaps you should have skipped this chapter and jumped right over to high school!
I'll go check that out while you ramble on here. (Ed)
My next very early memory was in Barnsley hospital with my dad and Grandma (his mum)
My mum had just had another baby, it could have been my brother or sister I have no idea.
I was sat in a hospital corridor looking at a comic that I had absolutely no interest in just wishing I could get out of there and away from that hospital smell.
Thankfully as i'm writing this right now I obviously did make it out of there, I assume I did see the baby first but I don't remember seeing it and I'm not one of those people that finds newborn babies the most beautiful things in the world anyway, amazing experiences when their your own but to say all newborn babies are just the cutest beautiful things in the world is just beyond me.
so it's unlikely to have had that much of an impression on me anyway.
At a reasonably young age (I’m not sure exactly how old) I got lost in the supermarket.
I was with my dad one minute and on my own the next.
Like you would probably expect most young children to do I bawled my eyes out.
A woman walked up to me and asked me if I was lost.
I guess I was really lucky as she could have been anyone and done anything fortunately for me she helped me find my dad.
It only took a few seconds he was only at the end of the long isle, I guess perhaps I should have got glasses about 10 years earlier than I did!
Back in the 80's every house I visited always seemed to have a lot of glass, cabinets tables, paper racks there just seemed to be glass everywhere.
I'm not really sure if it was an 80's thing in general or a close family thing but regardless it wasn't a good idea.
I was at home one day playing in the living room while my mum was doing the housework dusting ect… (not a sexist thing just how it was at the time!)
We had this big cabinet in the living room with glass doors.
I have no idea what was in it but my mum had the doors open to clean whatever it was.
She left the room for a few seconds to go into the kitchen and for reasons that will likely never be explained I put down the toys jumped to my feet (yes kids I could jump then!) I ran like a crazy little possessed kid right around the sofa and crash straight through the glass cabinet door.
It had a wooden frame all around the glass panel so the glass part was easily definable but that no longer mattered because now it barely had any glass left and I clearly remember thinking I need to get back to my playing spot so my mum wouldn't know it was me.
Of course that never happened she came running out of the kitchen in seconds and even if I had made it back the probably not as big as I remember shard of glass sticking out of my right leg.
I don't know how long it bled for but I remember my mum wrapping a towel around it.
I never went to the hospital or got any stitches so I don't know how bad it really was but I do still have the scar on my leg 35+ years later
Might as well continue with the breaking class theme as on one particular Sunday night while Bullseye was on TV I was laid on the sofa with a bad case of man flu.
Having been coughing and sneezing and spluttering all day for some reason or another I got up and walked towards the kitchen where my parents were.
On the way I walked past the large glass dining table, it had a tablecloth over it and for one reason or another a screwdriver just laying there.
I picked up the screwdriver and tapped the table with the handle end.
Now I really did just tap it and then placed the screwdriver back down on the table and went to lay back on the sofa.
Yes Ed despite the fact I was supposed to be going to the kitchen.
Where are you?
Within seconds of my body hitting the sofa a huge chunk of the glass dining table hit the floor and shattered everywhere.
I'm still not entirely convinced that was all my fault, well okay sure it probably was my fault but how does a tiny tap make a huge chunk all off a giant round class table that table clearly was structurally terrible!
(Ed) Right I'm back I assume I've missed nothing of significance?
We need to talk about the high school chapters though guns are one thing but people aren't going to like that teacher stuff! (Ed)
My final early memory comes from when I was in nursery school.
On one particular day I was wearing red cord dungarees (for the record I loved them)
We were sat on the carpet having a story read to us, I hated the teachers and refused to talk to them so rather than stick up my hand and speak I just sat there waiting for the stupid dull and uninteresting story to end.
(Ed) I know the feeling! (Ed)
Not being able to wait any longer I sat on that carpet and wet myself!
(Ed) And that ladies and gentlemen and hopefully only readers of mature ages from what's to come is probably one of the most honest endings to a chapter any book will ever have! (Ed)
Chapter 1.5 The Mind
The keeper looks a little different, our guide is as confused as ever and someone is going to get a very wet ending!
New chapters will be published every Sunday at 8pm (UK time)
Bonus chapters will be posted on July 21st, September 16th & November 25th at 8pm regardless of day
The book will be concluded with the epilogue on November 25th 2023
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Under no circumstances will this content be removed to satisfy the desires of anyone else.
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This book does have sporadic gaming content and gaming certainly saved my life more than once.
I've also heavily edited the book since it was first written to remove over 99% of the language some people might find offensive so reader / developer / publisher or press partner if you're simply offended because this book talks about real life (or some of that crazy mind stuff) I thank you for visiting and or any help you've given me in the past.
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